I've really struggled with whether or not to share on social media what has taken place recently in my life. I know the beginning of my life on this earth wasn't easy for anyone especially my mom. Even now as a momma bear myself, I find myself thinking at least once a day, how in the world did she do this alone. That's something I'll always cherish though. It used to just be the two of us. But now we have this whole big family and my mom is a grandma now of two!
Speaking of big family that is what I wanted to tell you all about. Mark, Abe and I expanded our family by three the past couple weeks. It was a Sunday night like any other when I just casually checked my phone and Facebook. Oh what's this? Three friend requests. I tapped that little icon wondering who it might be. Wyatt, Jacalyn, and Keegan. My heart literally feel out of my chest and my stomach instantly turned. Let me rewind a little. My biological father married and had three kids who I had never met. I was given my bio fathers info when I turned 18 and at the time I had no interest except for a curiosity that I possibly had siblings and discovering my physical features on his face that I never saw on my mother's. After 5 years I finally decided I would try to meet him. Not because I needed anything, because I have a dad who loves me and I lack nothing. But honestly I just wanted to see his face. To discover what parts of me came from him. And I always wanted to tell him I forgive him if he is living in guilt of never knowing me. We did meet and that's when I found out I had two brothers and a sister. But he respectfully asked me to not reach out to them because he wanted to tell them in his own time. I agreed and I kept my promise for 7 years. I told him the only reason I was able to sit with him and need nothing and to forgive him was because my faith is in Christ who has forgiven me of all. After we parted ways I did pray that someday I would meet them. If anyone knows me you know how hard it was for me to keep quiet. My family is everything to me. My sisters Taylor and Jenna and my brother Noah are a couple of the most important people in my life and to know I had three more out there!!! Oh it was torture. But life goes on. I even worked with Wyatt 3 years ago and he had no idea who I really was. They had no knowledge of my existence. That was the hardest to work with Wyatt and still say nothing. I even saw my bio father a few times in the store I worked in and we never acknowledged each other.
So now back to my friend requests. I accepted all of them of course and excitedly shared with Mark what was happening. Do you think their dad told them? I wonder why now? I wonder how? Such a rush! Then a message from Jacalyn "So I just found out we are related". And then went on to say they would all like to meet me. I lost it. The tears flowed freely that finally it's out. Finally I'm not a secret anymore. Finally they know and they want to meet me. I couldn't believe it. Mark hugged me on the couch while I tried to gather myself to respond. What a surprise! Of course I want to meet! I asked how she found out. She said actually my mother told us. I won't go into the details of what is happening in their lives but the right moment came and the beans were spilled.
We meet a few days later at a local coffee shop. The awkwardness was incredibly thick. Having Abraham there made it a lot easier. Who doesn't love an incredibly cute toddler. Abe is usually very shy and clings to either Mark or I while warming up slowly to strangers. With these three, it took him no time at all. He especially liked Wyatt. We filled each other in about our lives and just touched on the highlights. I was excited and nervous. We sat there for two hours exchanging tid bits here and there. When we parted ways I felt a sense of uncertainty about where this was all going. We have missed so much of each other's lives, so where do you even begin?
The following Monday we went to my new found sister'a basketball game where I met their mother. She was warm and welcoming to me. We hugged and I thanked her for such an awesome gift of finally revealing the truth. I don't care to have my biological father in my life at all, I even really hate tagging the word father or dad to him at all because he never was for me. It makes me uncomfortable. And it makes me feel as if I'm doing a disservice to my actual dad who raised me. Anyway, she told me things about each of them and their personalities. She asked how I reacted when I received that message from my sister and I asked her how it all came about.
I've been going over and over in my mind how to reach out. Especially to Jax. I've been reading articles and testimonials about meeting siblings for the first time as an adult. Most of the stories are about adoption cases. There was one that stuck out to me. As if the person writing it was reading my thoughts. I don't know anyone who has gone through this. No one who knows how it feels. I talk to Mark about it and how I feel. I don't talk to my family about it because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. It's like meeting new friends except their your siblings. It's just different.
I have never had much of any kind of feeling towards my bio dad. Not anger, not anything good. Just neutral. Until the other day at work. I have a lot of time to think and it hit me like a wave. I thought of him and I was angry. So overwhelmingly angry. I was mad that he couldn't just tell them about me. We could have met a long time ago. I should have known them long ago, they should have known me. I'm mad as hell about it. Just being honest and remember I'm just in the beginning of this journey. I'm not writing this from years of reflection. I'm right in the beginning of it. So this is my story right now. Maybe I'll share more on it later or maybe I won't. I don't know. I mostly did this to help myself process what has happened and it has helped writing this all down. I'm also nervous and curious what happens now. I enjoy messaging with my new sister getting to know her and seeing similarities. Common likes, interests and some personality traits. But mostly I'm excited. I can now say to everyone I'm the oldest of 7 kids, 3 brothers and 3 sisters. What a totally awesome thing I have.
No comments:
Post a Comment